Hmmm… inter-tribal marriage, that hydra-headed situation in which nobody wins and nobody loses. I may be crucified for my position here, especially in these days and age.

Some people may even say that what I will write here is not in conformity with the ideas of the modern man that I'm always talking and preaching about, but the truth is that when it comes to inter tribal marriages, especially in Africa, there are so many in-built fears and differences that in most cases, people who go into inter tribal marriages especially the women are the ones who come out the worse for it. Most people will tell you that inter-tribal marriages bring unity and understanding between people from different backgrounds.

They will go further to say that it broadens the views of the people in the marriages about life, issues and makes them better at coping with varieties. They will finally say that it helps in nation building because it builds tolerance of other people's cultures.

Most people who also support inter-tribal marriages will say that it helps to enlarge ones frontiers and entire concept and opinion about life, because they believe that you get to appreciate other people more.

Yes, everything I have mentioned above is true and I'm not one to disprove all that without letting you know why. I must tell you its challenges can be daunting. And that trust and bonding may be difficult to achieve and the ease of separation is high.

It is expensive as it entails patronizing two cultures whenever there are challenges – death in any of the families and its attendant burial, marriages in the families, other cultural ceremonies and parties.

Children born into such homes may end up not having clear cultural identities about where they belong. This is one of the major reasons why a lot of our cultures are dying out today, especially as English language will become the language of both choice and necessity in the home.

There is also the problem of the parties trying to adjust and accommodate each others' differences especially when we think of the fact that they both had different backgrounds in terms of orientation while growing up in different cultural settings.

In some cases, issues such as which language should the children also learn and master while growing up aside English becomes a serious bone of contention that if not quickly checked and resolved, can tear the fabrics of the relationship apart, the husband will want the children to be identified on his side and the fact that he is not always at home and the woman is close to the kids makes it difficult for this to happen.

The marriage will at this point become an issue of whose culture is better, thereby creating more problems for the relationship. The 'in-law problem' is magnified in inter cultural marriages.

It is not as if there are no 'in-law' problems in intra cultural marriages, it is just that intra cultural marriages brings in people of the same cultural perspective who understands the politics at play in marriages.

A woman who is coming from a culture where woman are culturally emancipated will be at a lose when in a marriage in which the man comes from a culture where woman are only to be seen and not heard or where the woman is not even reckoned with at any social settings. Another point to be seriously looked out is that of different cultural practices like female genital mutilation.

This is a practice erroneously referred to as female circumcision. This is a practice that whether we like it or not, is still common in different parts of the country.

For someone that is an advocate of its' abolishment, getting married to a woman or vice-versa who come from a culture that still supports it may seriously cause a major wedge in the marriage.

Some cultures abhor it while some are still holding it in high esteem. Other cultural extremes can be seen when there is a preference for male children and the clamour may even get to the point where it is only male children that gets sent to school at the detriment of brilliant female children.

That people marry into new and different cultures will not stop our attitude towards nepotism or any other anti-social behavior. What we need is a mindset based on attitudinal change that will make us tolerant of each other whether we are married into those cultures or not. Mindsets that will make us see each other only as humans. This is the only way we can truly say we have evolved beyond the petty and narrow mindedness of the hobbesian man.

Tribe is like genotype. No room for miss-match!

Generally, marriages are bound to face challenges because of the differences in gender, background, education, preferences, temperament, etc which naturally exist between husband and wife.

Let's face it: no matter how alike two people seem to be, there must be friction in relating to each other from time to time. You would still have marital problems if you were married to your clone!!

However, it has been said (and it is quite true) that the chances of such challenges or marital problems can be reduced by deliberately cutting out points of difference which are avoidable.

This is why we hear about the different areas of compatibility: mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, cultural, etc. Educated people are advised not to marry illiterates, people who have the 'A-S' genotype are not to marry each another and people are told to marry within their religious beliefs. In the same way, people are strongly advised to marry within their tribes, and in a lot of cases, from the same village.

The 'marry- from-the-same-tribe' syndrome is so bad amongst some tribes that parents have disowned their children for insisting on marrying their “true love” from other tribes. The truth is: there are many levels of compatibility for the purpose of marriage and tribe is just one of them. Therefore, it is the individuals that would decide whether tribe is such a fundamental factor in choosing a spouse.

When it comes to choice of relationships, there is a thin line between caution and tribalism. If one looks deep into this issue, you will see that those who make personal vows not to have close relations with persons of a different tribe than theirs do so not because of the differences in culture (language, beliefs, religion, etc) which may cause friction, but because of their mindsets about tribes other than theirs.

Let's be real: the Hausas feel the Igbos are —, while the Yorubas are —; the Igbos feel the Hausas are — while the Yorubas are —; and the Yorubas feel the Igbos are — while the Hausas are —-. (Please fill in the gaps, dear readers!)

These are general mindsets that people develop over the years. People say that humans are tribalistic by nature, but of course, there are exceptions to the general rule.

There are people who have risen above tribal idiosyncrasies and other unnecessary avenues of conflict in order to live harmoniously with those around them. In spite of all these, the pertinent question is: who does an inter-tribal marriage relationship affect more, the man or the woman? I say it is the woman. It is she who has to adjust to fit into the man's culture and traditions and has the mandate to train her children accordingly.

It's a big task, but it need not be burdensome. Women must understand that an agreement to marry a man from a different tribe amounts to an agreement to give up (or at least render secondary) her cultural roots and all its offshoots – language, food, dressing, etc. Also, she must take all necessary steps to imbibe the man's culture and tradition, speak his language and cook his tribe's food. But if this is all that is required of a woman in such a marriage arrangement, it would not be a big deal.

In other words, the need to acclimatize in terms of culture, tradition, language, food, etc is not the main challenge a woman married to a man from another tribe would have. There are many other issues which, if not handled properly, can lead to a failed marriage.

The truth is that the problems women face in inter-tribal marriages are hardly caused by their husbands; the problems come from third parties like the husbands' family members and friends; the women's friends and, sometimes, neighbors.

For instance, if a man's mother had a 'better homegrown candidate' for her son to marry and he marries this 'outsider' instead, no matter what the chosen wife does to 'blend' into the family's culture and traditions, she may have a hard time pleasing her mothering- law.

In such an instance, the man's mum may attribute the wife's flaws to her tribe. Woes betide a woman who cannot understand or speak her husband's language!!! She must be ready to ignore a lot of conversations in that language if she must remain sane.

Trust me; suspicion can drive any human being crazy! So, it is either you learn the language fast or you just deafen your ears to such 'suspicious' conversations. I must admit that not all inter-tribal marriages face such problems/challenges.

In fact, from what I hear, the stereotype which a lot of us have of such marriages is quite unfounded. I remember listening to a popular call-in radio show recently when the challenges of inter-tribal marriages were to be discussed.

To the shock of the host and lots of listeners, almost all the callers who were in such marriages testified that they were enjoying their marriages. The said that most of the presumptions people have about such marriages are false and baseless. At a point, some people started calling and sending text messages to allege the callers of telling lies.

That experience gave me a new mindset about inter- tribal marriages. So, are inter-tribal marriages ideal from the woman's point of view? It depends.

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