Relationships | 2 December 2014 11:03 CET

Would you marry someone you know too well?

By Chinedu Hardy Nwadike

There was a time when friendship used to be Titanic. When ships were unsinkable and when people were ready to trust and forgive. That was the same time when friends were not made with clicks but with time and trust. I was just a kid then, but now, I wish I were an adult then.
Because the last Titanic has sunk, ships have now become speed machines that can travel the world faster than what we used to have.

Today, someone can just become your best friend because they always smile on their profile pictures; because they always update nice quotes on Facebook and you have never cared to paste one of them on the search bar of Google to see that the same quote has been posted on more than twenty other websites.

This is not actually what I want to talk about here but just a part of it.

Why are we afraid of knowing people too well?

If you have never been a victim of this, you will never understand what I am talking about. People start running from you because it is easy for you to dictate their mood from their voice; you can know what's next from their body movements and stuffs like that.

They do not want to be close to you again because somehow, they can never get the space to become human around you again.

This happens especially when you can tell when someone is lying. Lies are the only shield some people have; especially those who believe there is no need to be telling the truth.

People do not lie at times because they want to, they do so to look smart, be in charge and be respected. They want everyone to believe they went to the moon with Louis Armstrong and they do not want you to tell them they are lying even when they know it has become obvious that everyone knows.

Ladies tend to be the worst offenders in this, guys who understand them more are often kept on the friend zone. He is the guy that is always there to wipe there tears when another has broken their hearts; he is the guy to give them quick advices that will enable them fix their broken relationships with ease.

But he is the 'undatable' guy because she knows him too well.

What is wrong with this?

People want to be people, they want to be humans; lie and joke; frown and be seen as complicated. No one wants to be with anyone who has the almighty formula that can solve their personality equation.

No one wants someone that can say “Jane stop lying, it is written all over your face”.
But that is what everyone should want. Someone who can smell your breath and know if you need tea or coffee. Someone who takes away everything we have become in life to see just who we are as we are. That's the best companion.

And the world is getting funny

No one wants to get to know anyone anymore. Some marriages are now like office relationships if you take away everything other thing that happens at night.

A friend of mine said “Hardy I am just so tired of this relationship thing, I just want to marry and a month later, he introduced me to the girl he wants to marry and guess what? Facebook did it.

He abandoned the girl he was dating for the past nine months for someone he started chatting with for few weeks ago.

She was certified perfect because her words were perfect and right there on Facebook, he told her she was just the kind of girl he would love to marry and before you could know it, they were in a relationship on Facebook.

Even when they were sure of their wedding date, they still looked like strangers to each other. The girl would always act like a wife to impress him, while he must act like a sweetheart husband to impress her, and these were just things he never did for the former girl and no one is talking from the girl's angle. Maybe she abandoned someone she started dating from 100 level for this Facebook. Universities guys are mostly victims of this, a more reason why I will tell my son to face his books.

And where are we going?

We are losing it gradually because a time shall come when there will never be a single need to ask a girl out. You will just walk up to her and tell her what you want, be it sex or marriage because we will be busy clicking to make friends.

Even churches are not helping issues as well because in some places a brother can point a sister to the marriage committee made up of men of 60 years and above who took time to know their wives before marriage and the next thing they do is convince the lady and in three months time, there will be a wedding in the church.

Most at times, when you get to know people you have fallen in love with from a distance, you tend to bend something you cannot really take just because you cannot just let the person go. But whoever you knew well without a single affection for them are mostly sweet when they get in a relationship with you because you have seen everything from a reality camera better than that of Big Brother Africa and if such person knows you the same way, the relationship will just be a template.

Someone told me that some things are better not said or known and she would rather not know the past of her spouse because somehow they will be haunting her.

And now why?

Relationship has become the only place people don't want it already made. People would prefer to spend ten years getting to know someone than end up with someone they already know; forgetting that when you know someone, the next thing would be how to live with them.

I would love to start living with my wife a month after marriage than spend five years applying some trial and error methods that will show me the perfect way to live with her.

Hook's Law can come in anytime and I decide that I cannot cope with her troubles but if I already know the troubles, they won't be a problem for me because I have been living with them since when we were just friends.

If your spouse is also your best friend, it is just like buying a car that can fly because you will spend most of your times together and not a case where your Personal Assistance on Women/Men Affairs is the other man/woman who probably does not like your husband/wife. They can fill your head with lots of advices that will end up destroying your family.

Lots of marriages can be saved if we give time to trusting people; if we give time to getting to know people and if we give time to loving people we know too well.

“And if I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady is my friend…” If you were a music lover in the days of blues, you will know this song by Shai titled 'If I ever fall in love'

The time is now

People should stop believing that those who know them too well can never be good for them. It is funny because you think your spouse will become a detective in your life like Mr. & Mrs. Smith. It is not like that. Imagine them living with someone who does not have to pretend that your gifts are cool because whatever you get them is what they love.

Imagine knowing the right words to say to calm her down and knowing the songs to sing irrespective of your voice to cut her tears short. Pillow fighting is not only for kids and teenagers, you can start with that and end up in each other's arms for a good night sleep.

These are things only friends will and friends like these are never fantasized; they are never made with clicks and can never be people pretending to be cool with each other.

They are made with time, trust and love. These are the three words this generation has lost and they need to find them again to rediscover the sparks in their relationships.

Chinedu Hardy Nwadike, is a novelist, blogger, newspaper columnist, he writes from Owerri, Imo State.©

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