Commics News | 23 June 2012 00:36 CET

How To Differentiate Nollywood (Nigerian Movies) From Hollywood Movies

By Bola Dauda

You Know It's A Nigerian Movie When;

1. The title of the movie tells u the whole story line

2. A lady is about to go to bed at night and yet her face is fully made up.

3. Someone will be shown 25 years after and he will be wearing the same clothes he wore earlier

4. When there is a flashback in a flashback.

5. When a film talks about past events in the 80s and 90s and you see MTN, ETISALAT and GLO banners in the background.

6. The lyrics of the soundtrack is literally the plot of the movie.

7. A car is about to have an accident when the steering wheel suddenly starts turning and the driver will eventually hit an “ewedu” stem and the driver will be seen with his head on the steering wheel with no damage to windscreen, nor any scratch on the car whatsoever.

8. The same song is played ON and ON and ON throughout the movie (whether it is an action/love/drama scene)

9. The actors waste unnecessary time to perform an act that shouldn't take more than a fraction of a second e.g An actor will spend fifteen good minutes of his time threatening to kill someone, spend another five minutes looking for his gun (while the mumu victim will stand there watching) and then spend another ten minutes shouting “I WILL KILL YOU TODAY” after which he tots his gun (the sound is often times not in sequence with the trigger pull) and then the victim screams ” I AM DEAD, YOU HAVE KILLED ME, I AM DYING” and then he dies.

10. Advert floods d first half hour. Thank God for fast forwarding

11. A car will hit someone at top speed and that person will still be lying on the bonnet of the car

12. The bad characters are completely evil and the good characters are completely good, one track personalities

13. You have to reduce the volume for the soundtrack and increase it to hear what the actor are saying, so you have to hold onto your remote control.

14. When you see a village girl speaking phonetics

15. Almost all endings will happen in church, when at the end of the movie, a pastor and his team prays and the wicked/evil person manifests, confesses and then drops dead. . . To God be the glory. This always happens when the director/ producers have run out of ways to end the movie.

16. A ghost will be looking on both sides of the road before crossing

17. When married women wear club-appropriate outfits all day, everyday- even when cooking in the kitchen or attending to someone at the store.

18. You can predict the movie by mere looking at the DVD casing

19. When the film advertisement ends with GO GRAB UR COPY NOW!!!!!! as if its going out of existence and ur entire being is dependent on it

20. When it is marketed and distributed at 51/52 Iweka road Onitsha, 12 Idumota lane or Pound road Aba.

21. An actor leaves his house in a red shirt and is seen in the car with a blue shirt and arrives his destination in a red shirt.

22. When a hospitalized patient dies by shaking violently on the hospital bed.

23. When Jim Iyke or anoda actor is putting on SUNSHADES in a CLUB at NIGHT

24. When a man suffers a gun shot injury to the tummy and is shown in the hospital with bandages on thier head and a cast on their arms and legs. .

25. When a club scene with people dancing lasts for over 15 minutes with no dialogue or incident.

26. When Aki and paw paw must act in the same movie and usually as bad boys or trouble makers, Jim Iyke is always a bad/hard man, Mercy Johnson is always a village girl/student

27. Some Nigerian home video can be boring and the producers don't help matters by extending it to PART TWO, PART THREE, PART FOUR, PART FIVE AND PART SIX (to be contd). Funny thing is everything in that movie can be acted in 20mins if it was directed properly like the Hollywood movies.

28. When a house is supposedly on fire but wont be consumed in flames

29. When a village igbo setting has all of the cast scantily dressed with ankara or animal skin, like NOBODY wears shirt & trouser in the village.

30. The gateman is so silly that he can be insulting his Boss(es) right in there presence without getting fired….Wonder if that is possible with the rate at which people seek for employment…( e.g. Baba Suwe Films)

31. When u see the cameraman's image on the body of a shiny car, with his camera raised up and usually clad in white singlet and short knickers.

32. When it is distributed by Zeb Ejiro, Produced by Zeb Ejiro, Written by Zeb Ejiro, Screen Play by Zeb Ejiro, Make up by Zeb Ejiro and Directed by Zeb Ejiro

33. When a couple is making love in their room with no one watching and yet they cover themselves with thick blanket and start to struggle and sweat like they were forced to do it in a public place

34. The lil boy or girl have difficulty remembering his/her lines and picks his/her words one by one

35. It is only in Nigerian movies when a prayer warrior/ pastor says ”HOLY GHOST FIRE! to an evil person and you will see fire balls, fire whips, fire missiles appearing. Wonderful! I love my native movies.

36. Most women just love Nigerian home videos and i wonder why. Perhaps its because it feeds their emotions e.g The “wicked” husband of that “innocent” woman finally got what he “deserved” in the end OR the mother in law mistakenly ate the poison she prepared for the wife (Women just love these movies…especially the married ones and their reasons aren't far fetched)

37. When every slap sounds like a gunshot

38. When Funke Akindele comes up with OMO GHETTO and Fathia Balogun copy cats with ONOME AGANGA, then Femi Adebayo brings JELILI and Mercy Aigbe vexs and releases……

39. When ur mother and sisters all gather in the parlour watching the tv with rapt attention and periodically turn to each other and say “this kind thing dey happen o ”

40. When u see an actor/actress remembering what happened in 1972 …and at the back u see vote for Goodluck Jonathan 2011 fresh air 1972 41. U already know what'll end at d beginning of the film

42. To God be the glory. Watch out for part 2

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